Sample chapter.

member profile

Member Name: Beverly J.
ID: BevJ@frederic_gerard.com
Location: Midwest
Birth date: October 11
Sex: Female
Marital Status: Married
Computers: Mac Quadra and a PowerBook
Interests: Reading, playing the piano, studying typography
Occupation: Editor
Quote: Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance.

--Samuel Johnson

member profile

Member Name: Maximilian M.
ID: Maximilian@miller&morris.com
Location: Northern Hemisphere
Birth date: Taurus
Sex: male
Marital Status: single
Computers: who cares
Interests: bonsai gardening, writing poetry, mixing the perfect martini
Occupation: copywriter
Quote: For myself I live, live intensely and am fed by life, and my value, whatever it be, is in my own kind of expression of that.

--Henry James

session:

> Private Mail
> Date: Thursday, February 15, 1996 8:45 a.m.
> From: BevJ@frederic_gerard.com
> Subj: You Idiot
> To: Maximilian@miller&morris.com

Maximilian,

Never, EVER, call me on the telephone again.

What were you thinking? And how did you find me? No, don't answer that. I don't want to know. I want you to promise me that you will never call my office again. I can only thank my lucky stars that my home phone number is unlisted. If you ever call me at the office again, I'll quit my job. Then you'll never be able to find me. And just to make double-sure, I'll change my name, join the Federal Witness Protection Program, *and* have a sex-change operation.

Beverly

> Private Mail
> Date: Thursday, February 15, 1996 2:26 p.m.
> From: Maximilian@miller&morris.com
> Subj: You Idiot
> To: BevJ@frederic_gerard.com

Bev,

Omigod. I feel terrible. I can't believe I did such a stupid thing. I think it was a build-up of my frustration over not hearing from you all these months. Everything just bubbled over, Bev.

After I came home from my date with Steffee last night and wrote you that message, I started knocking back more martinis. I was getting really polluted when it suddenly occured to me out of nowhere that I might be able to figure out your work phone number from the domain name in your e-mail address. On a whim I typed http://www.frederic_gerard.com into my Web browser and there it was! Welcome to the Frederic Gerard Publishing Company World Wide Web Site!!! You guys make it pretty hard to find any of the editors' names on the Web site, but at least I was able to find a phone number for your main switchboard. So I copied down the number and decided to stay up drinking all night, waiting for morning and for your switchboard to open.

When the operator answered and I asked to speak to Beverly, she asked me for your last name and I couldn't remember it. (I obviously wasn't thinking clearly. I know your last name from those live COs on the Writer's Forum.) I told her I was returning your call and that I couldn't read my secretary's handwriting on the message slip. (Like anybody even uses those pink "While You Were Out" message pads anymore--doesn't your receptionist know everyone uses e-mail now?) So she puts me through, and I about fell off my chair when you picked up on the first ring and said, "This is Beverly."

I hadn't thought about what I was going to say--or even if I was going to say anything at all. Maybe I was thinking that I could just listen to your voice on your voice-mail message, "Hello. You've reached the voice mail of the incredibly sexy Bev Johnson. I'm either on the phone or away from my desk right now, so please leave a message and I'll call you back." BEEEP. Or, if you did pick up the phone, I thought maybe I would just sit there and listen to you saying, "This is Beverly....Hello? HelLOoo...." and then listen to you hang up after another moment of puzzled silence. But when you finally said "Who the fuck is this?" after a few seconds of dead air (instead of just hanging up the phone, like a normal person would do) I couldn't help but laugh and tell you it was me. I mean, come on, Bev. How many people would say "Who the fuck is this?" when they really have no idea who's on the other end of the line? It could have been your boss, for cryin' out loud!

Or did you know it was me?

Whatever. I just want to tell you that I'm sorry, that I promise to never call you at the office again, and that I still think you're a real piece of work.

Max

> Private Mail
> Date: Sunday, February 18, 1996 1:19 a.m.
> From: Maximilian@miller&morris.com
> Subj: Still Hungry
> To: BevJ@frederic_gerard.com

Bev. Don't go checking out on me now. Do you mean to tell me that after all this time, you're going to let it end like this? You send me one message telling me to never call you again and you think I'm just going to slither away like a hungry caterpillar?

Maximilian

> Private Mail
> Date: Monday, February 26, 1996 7:02 a.m.
> From: BevJ@frederic_gerard.com
> Subj: Still Hungry
> To: Maximilian@miller&morris.com

Maximilian,

No, I'm not checking out on you. I'm just trying to decide what to say next.

Beverly

> Private Mail
> Date: Monday, February 26, 1996 10:18 a.m.
> From: Maximilian@miller&morris.com
> Subj: Still Hungry
> To: BevJ@frederic_gerard.com

Bev,

I'm glad you're not going to let us end this way. And here's a little suggestion on what you should say next. Feel free to simply copy and paste the following message into your next reply. <weg>

Max

*******************Cut Here***********************

My Dearest Max,

I am deeply sorry for ignoring you all these months. I would never have chosen to ignore you voluntarily but my mean old husband had me chained up in the attic all this time so I couldn't answer your e-mail messages.

Now that I am free I want to tell you how very much I love you and what a wonderful man you are, and to beg your forgiveness for my silence of the previous months.

Your Darling Bev

*******************Cut Here***********************

> Private Mail
> Date: Friday, March 1, 1996 7:59 a.m.
> From: BevJ@frederic_gerard.com
> Subj: Har Dee Har Har
> To: Maximilian@miller&morris.com

Get real, Maximilian. That's not even close to what I was going to say.

Beverly

> Private Mail
> Date: Saturday, March 2, 1996 2:47 p.m.
> From: Maximilian@miller&morris.com
> Subj: Har Dee Har Har
> To: BevJ@frederic_gerard.com

So then. What *were* you going to say?

Max

> Private Mail
> Date: Monday, March 4, 1996 5:11 a.m.
> From: BevJ@frederic_gerard.com
> Subj: Two Conditions
> To: Maximilian@miller&morris.com

I was going to say that I'll correspond with you again--under two conditions.

Beverly

> Private Mail
> Date: Monday, March 4, 1996 8:02 a.m.
> From: Maximilian@miller&morris.com
> Subj: Two Conditions
> To: BevJ@frederic_gerard.com

And they are?

Max

> Private Mail
> Date: Thursday, March 7, 1996 8:02 a.m.
> From: BevJ@frederic_gerard.com
> Subj: Two Conditions
> To: Maximilian@miller&morris.com

The first condition is that we only talk by e-mail--no phone calls.

Beverly

> Private Mail
> Date: Thursday, March 7, 1996 9:58 a.m.
> From: Maximilian@miller&morris.com
> Subj: Two Conditions
> To: BevJ@frederic_gerard.com

I've already promised you that. What's the second condition?

Max

> Private Mail
> Date: Monday, March 11, 1996 7:20 a.m.
> From: BevJ@frederic_gerard.com
> Subj: Two Conditions
> To: Maximilian@miller&morris.com

The second condition is that we talk to each other only as friends--no romantic stuff. The thing that happened at Macworld was a one-time thing, and I would like for you to promise me that you'll never bring it up again.

Beverly

> Private Mail
> Date: Monday, March 11, 1996 12:03 p.m.
> From: Maximilian@miller&morris.com
> Subj: Two Conditions
> To: BevJ@frederic_gerard.com

Bring *what* up again?

<g>

Max

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